


Kiss with a Fist

by EndoratheWitch



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, Batman: The Dark Prince Charming (Comics), Harley Quinn (Comics), The Joker - Fandom
Genre: Eventual Smut, F/M, Heist, Murder, Non-abusive Joker and Harley, Rivalry, Robbery, building forts, really goofy stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:00:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23750467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EndoratheWitch/pseuds/EndoratheWitch
Summary: Joker and Riddler arrive at the same place for similar heists
Relationships: Joker (DCU)/Harleen Quinzel
Comments: 20
Kudos: 45





	1. Museum Exhibit Inspiration

In the early evening, the two clowns were having a night at home with no big plans; just hanging out, eating junk food, sex, and maybe a movie. Right now the evening news was droning in the background. They liked to watch the Gotham City local news when they were home just in case there was a story that gave them inspiration for a job, or to see if any of their friends were up to something interesting. 

Harley sat cross-legged on the couch facing Joker. She held his hand and was very carefully painting his fingernails a dark, emerald green. They were both in their pajamas, Harley wearing a loose, sleeveless red nightgown, while Joker wore purple boxer shorts with a dark green, short-sleeved t-shirt. His hair was mostly dry, having dried in soft curls around her head, falling over his forehead and making him look far younger than he probably was. He watched her intently as she painted his nails. 

“You always do such a great job on my nails sweet. Oh I just noticed the slight sparkle!” He held his hand up to the light and wiggled his fingers and admired the way the light caught the green to make the sparkle within it glitter. “Oooh!! So pretty!” 

Harley wrinkled her nose with pleasure as she painted his thumb carefully. “I thought you might like that. You have such beautiful hands Mistah J. I love how long and elegant your fingers are.” 

Harley swooned just a little as she painted. 

Joker grinned at her. “Thank you my dear, but you have lovely hands as well. I especially like them when they are wrapped around my penis.” 

Harley giggled nearly messing up her painting. “Stop it!” 

Joker smiled. “Can’t. You bring out the naughty in me.” 

While Harley was painting his nails, a young, blonde man named Mike Engel came on the screen, smiling his boyish grin. “Good Evening Gotham! This is Mike Engel down at the Gotham City Art Museum to tell you all about the new exhibit that will be opening here tomorrow night: Jokes and Riddles through History!” 

Joker’s eyebrows rose as he turned to look at the TV screen. “What?” 

Harley stopped painting his nails to turn and look as well. “Did he say, ‘Jokes and Riddles through History?’” 

Joker nodded. “He did!” 

They both went quiet as Mike Engel turned and the camera moved past him to show the exhibit, his voice speaking over the visuals. “The exhibit, which examines jokes and riddles in different cultures and time periods, has on display several jeweled harlequin masks...” Harley squeaked as a black and red mask covered in rubies and black diamonds came into view on the screen. “...as well as…” A red ruby jeweled clown nose in a case, along with a clown costume covered in swarovski crystals appeared, which caused Joker to gasp. The camera continued to pan over to show a very old clown costume in a glass case. Harley frowned at the image. If she was to guess, judging by the style, she would say the outfit was from around the 18th to 19th century as Engel’s voice said. “...one of Joseph Grimaldi’s original costumes…” 

Joker gasped loudly, sitting up straighter. “Harley!! We have to go and rob the museum!” 

Harley frowned. As much as she would like that the harlequin mask, robbing the museum seemed like a really bad idea to her. “Puddin, isn’t that a little...obvious?” Harley asked with a slight frown. “...Batman will be watching the museum expecting us. I mean that exhibit is like...” She waved her hands around for a moment before saying. “...well, like catnip to us. He has to know we would make a go at it.” 

“SO!? We have to...we have to have those…” He pointed at the screen. “...I mean, look Harley! Joseph Grimaldi’s costume!! It’s just screaming for me to have it!” He grinned at her, his blue eyes twinkling. “Besides, Batman can’t be there every night. We’ll just send a couple of our goons to go blow something up, dress them up as us too, just to make it convincing, and then: Pow!” He smacked his hands together loudly while keeping his fingers wide so he wouldn’t mess up his nail polish. “ We slip in, steal the stuff and get out before Batman realizes the explosion is just a distraction!” He grinned, clearly pleased with his plan. “It’ll be easy!” 

Harley giggled, rubbing her bottom lip with the tip of her finger. “You know, that might work puddin…” 

“Might?! Of course it will work! Batsy can’t ignore an explosion! And if Batman does show up, I have some kryptonite!” Joker beamed, but Harley frowned at him, tilting her head. “You don’t have any kryptonite puddin...and besides, that’s for the flying anal stick...” 

Joker frowned, then shook his head back and forth. “Okay you’re right, but I’m sure Batman has a weakness…” 

Harley chewed on her bottom lip. “Maybe Catwoman...or one of his Robins...he really hates it if we put innocent people's lives in danger…” 

“They are not innocent Harls, especially if they get in the way. I mean if you see us and don’t immediately run, you sorta deserve whatever ya get.” Joker nodded sagely, which only made Harley laugh. 

“Maybe we can do this,” she mused with a broad smile. “I really want that mask…” 

Joker grinned at her. “My girl deserves everything she wants…” 

On the television Engel continued. “That’s just a taste of the jokes portion...As for the riddles part of the display…” 

* 

In a hideout on the other side of town… 

Riddler sat on the edge of his pea green couch in his neon green pajamas with custom designed black question marks under his black smoking jacket (birthday gifts from Bob last year) and stared at the TV screen as Engel showed a statue of a solid gold sphinx that was the length of Riddler’s arm and resting in a glass case. 

Engel’s voice could be heard over the image as the camera focused on the gold statue. “This golden Sphinx, created by our own Gotham artist Catrina has the famous sphinx riddle carved over the body.” The camera panned in to show the words on the body of the statue. “The museum also has this ancient Sumer clay tablet…” 

The camera panned to another case that contained a square clay tablet about the size of Ridder’s fist. Engel’s voice continued. “...on which is etched what is thought to be the world’s oldest riddle.” 

Eddie gasped and leaned forward with a whisper under his breath. “There is a house. One enters it blind and comes out seeing. What is it?” Quelle, who sat at the other end of the couch wearing some lime green lounge wear, looked up from the book she was reading. “Did you say something Eddie?” 

Eddie pointed at the screen. “That clay tablet has the world’s oldest riddle written on it.” 

Quelle glanced over at the TV. “Oh, that cool.” 

“Cool?! That’s amazing!!” Eddie bit his bottom lip while staring at the screen. “It’s priceless.” 

Engel continued to speak as the camera focused on other items. “This here is a silver bound copy book, with pages painted in dates back to the sixth or eighth century B.C.E. in the Book of Judges, the seventh book in the Old Testament. The illustrations and writing in the book include ink made from red and yellow ochre, green copper pigment along with lapis lazuli. I’m told the book also had gold and silver leaf! This book contains Samson’s riddle, "Out of the eater, something to eat; out of the strong, something sweet.” That’s something to think about!” Engel laughed. 

Engel and his camera moved along to a display case that contained an extravagantly crafted necklace of gold, silver, and lead as well as diamonds and emeralds. “This piece of jewelry that I’m told is super expensive…” Engel laughed. “...done by another local artist, Will Sheen, has written on the back one of Shakespeare’s riddles from his play ‘The Merchant of Venice!’” 

Quelle blinked, then whispered. “Eddie, that is beautiful.” 

Eddie frowned. “I suppose it’s quite nice--the riddle’s answer is the lead casket…” 

Quelle smiled. “Doesn’t that part of the riddle go: On the lead casket: ‘Who chooseth me must give and hazard all he hath?’'' 

Eddie turned, grinning at her. “It does.” 

Quelle wrinkled her nose at him which made Eddie feel something strange, like a hitch in his chest. He swallowed as he felt a blush heat his cheeks and neck. He and Quelle were just friends, work partners. She helped him keep the gang organized and did other little chores. Part of him knew she wanted more. He had never really seen her in that light, but just now... 

He licked his lips, then asked. “Do you...ah...want that necklace?” 

Quelle turned to face him fully which made that weird hitch in his chest occur again. Why did she suddenly look so...attractive? He had seen her in that same loungewear dozens of times. They always had dinner together and watched TV or played board games, but then she went to her room and he to his...but tonight...she looked...different. A very pleasant different, he realized. 

“I would love that necklace Eddie,” she said in a soft tone. 

Eddie felt his cheeks burn warmer and turned back to the TV to hide how uncomfortable he felt, but he said softly. “Well, I think we might just have to go and rob the museum.” 

“But won’t Batman be watching the place?” Quelle frowned softly. “I mean, the exhibit is jokes and riddles. I would think Joker and Harley might even try...” 

Eddie dismissed her worries. “Nah, don’t worry about Joker and Harley. We’ll just hit the place first…” He grinned. “That’ll piss that clown off if we beat him there…” He frowned in thought whispering to himself. “...just have to create a distraction that will force Batman to be elsewhere.” He grinned, warming to his plan that he was forming as he spoke. “If we hit before the exhibit officially opens…” He nodded. “This will work…” 

Quelle grinned at him edging a little closer to him on the couch. “Thank you Eddie. I don’t think we’ve ever done a job just because I wanted something…” She leaned over and kissed his cheek. 

Quelle had kissed his cheek dozens of times, but for some reason, this time felt different. 

Eddie felt a flutter in his stomach as he put the nail of one finger in his mouth, rubbing the blunt nail against his teeth. “Well, it's not just for you. I mean...I would like that book and tablet for my collection…” 

“Oh…” Her face fell a little. “...of course…” 

Eddie found that he didn’t like her looking so disappointed. He swallowed nervously before he spoke. “But ah...I do want you to have that necklace.” 

The smile that Quelle gave him made his chest hitch even harder. He returned the smile. He didn’t have a clue what was happening, but he wanted to make Quelle smile like that again. 

* 

Twas the night before the exhibit on Jokes and Riddles through History was supposed to open. Batman crouched on a building across from the museum, looking through a pair of binoculars watching the front of the museum. From here he could see the front, the roof, and part way along one alley. He would be moving in a few minutes to watch the other side. He fully expected Joker and Harley Quinn to make a go at the museum. It was like that damn exhibit was made just for those clowns to attempt to rob it. 

He had argued against the name of the exhibit as both Batman and as Bruce Wayne, but the curator of the exhibit, an attractive blonde woman named Ali Fey had refused to listen--even after Bruce Wayne had taken her to a romantic dinner. It was one of the few times his charms as Bruce Wayne had failed to get him his way and his stoic, fear inducing alter ego had failed as well. 

Batman sighed, and put away the binoculars for the moment. 

A few seconds later Robin appeared silently beside him. “Nothing Batman. The only thing I saw was one of the guards taking a piss in the alley after he stepped out for a smoke.” Robin shook his head. “Why do that when there are bathrooms in the museum?! Gross.” 

Batman smirked. “Because some people are…” He tried to find a different word, but had to settle for the most accurate. “...disgusting.” 

Robin nodded, then asked. “You really think Joker and Harley are going to rob the museum?” 

The black clad vigilante nodded. “I do. It jumt may simply not be tonight.” 

“What about Riddler?” Robin asked. “I mean, it’s got...riddle stuff in it too.” 

Batman smiled for only a split second before he answered. “I think he will try too. Though Riddler usually likes to send me a clue first. Joker and Harley are not quite so...predictable, though in this case I know it’s only a matter of time before they hit this exhibit.” 

“I never could figure that out about Riddler. Why give you a clue first?” Robin asked. 

Batman smiled in response. “Because unlike Joker, Riddler likes to battle wits with me. He is obsessed with proving he is smarter than me. Joker and Harley just like to…” Batman frowned. “...test my limits and my dedication to my principles.” 

Robin nodded then asked. “So, is Riddler smarter than you?” 

Batman turned to look at the young man though his eyes were covered by his cowl, appearing as only white, tilted eyes. “What do you think?” 

Robin paled a little looking back at the museum when Batman received a small buzz in his earpiece that told him Alfred needed to speak to him. 

“What is it?” Batman asked after reaching up to tap the earpiece in his cowl. 

“Sir, there has been a report of Joker and Harley Quinn being seen over at the upper east side. They did something to a water fountain in the park over there, reports say that the water turned into some sort of expanding...slime?” Alfred sounded unsure before he continued. “There have also been reports of them tossing hand grenades into random buildings, blowing up an ATM, reports of them attacking police officers with water balloons, poisoning squirrels with Joker venom in Miller Park, as well as reports of them blowing up a Wayne billboard…They seem to be on quite the little spree.” 

Batman turned looking toward the upper east side as Alfred spoke. He could see smoke in the distance illuminated by the lights of Gotham. 

He pressed his lips together in a thin line. “We’re on our way Alfred.” 

He turned to Robin when Alfred cleared his throat. “Sir, there is also a report of Riddler in The Hills area. He has apparently left you a clue: what kind of pins are used in soup?” 

Batman frowned. “Terrapins...there’s an old soup factory in The Hills…” 

“What are terrapins?” Robin asked in confusion. 

“Turtles Robin...turtles…” Batman said softly. 

Robin frowned then asked. “Isn’t that new aquarium in The Hills too?” 

Batman nodded then snarled, pressing his lips together in annoyance. “We need to check both places as well as stop Joker and Harley…” He turned and took off at a run, telling Alfred at the same time. “Contact Nightwing and maybe Batgirl, I think we may need help tonight.” 

“Will do sir,” Alfred replied before signing off. 

* 

Joker wore dark purple slacks, a blood red shirt, green suspenders, a green and blue bow tie, and a long, black tails jacket, along with a pair of red leather gloves. He snickered as he watched the shadow of Batman disappear through his binoculars from their hiding place inside a little cupcake shop across from the museum. 

“That Batboob is so predictable,” Joker muttered, tossing the binoculars behind him without looking. Bob snatched them out of the air before they smashed to the ground. “It’s sad really.” He shook his head, standing up before taking a large bite from the colorful pink and sprinkled cupcake in his other hand. 

Harley grinned, standing up from where they had been hidden, crouched by the display window of the cupcake shop with the gang behind them in the shadows eating cupcakes. Harley was wearing tight black pants, a red and black corset decorated with black and red diamonds, a short, black bordello-style jacket with kneehigh lace up boots, and red leather gloves that matched the 

Joker’s gloves, her hair in low pigtails. She had painted black diamonds over her eyes and her lips were the same shade of red as Joker’s red lips. 

She had told Joker that this was her “Biker Harley” look, (to which he had murmured, “A naked Harley on a Harley…” His eyes had brightened with the possibilities.) 

Harley took a large bite from the cupcake she held and grinned as she chewed. “Bat Boob…” she muttered around the bite of delicious though slightly stale cupcake from the stash of them they had found in the bakery's refrigerator. 

“So should we get going puddin?” Harley asked before stuffing the last of her cupcake into her mouth with a bigger grin. 

Joker nodded, stuffing the rest of his cupcake into his mouth. With his cheeks full, but his smile reaching his blue eyes that sparkled with anticipation, he motioned for everyone to follow him. He took Harley’s hand, lacing his fingers with hers. The gang moved to follow, stuffing their cupcakes in their mouths, except for Archie who tossed his onto the floor with a muttered, 

“I hate cupcakes.” 

* 

On the other side of the museum, Riddler--wearing his favorite green suit that was littered with tiny question marks along with the black shirt and purple tie--grinned from under his bowler hat as he lowered his binoculars. 

“I think he just left.” He handed the binoculars to one of his gang members. Riddler didn’t recognize the man, but he didn't really pay attention to that sort of thing. Hiring gang members was one of the many more secretarial things that Quelle took care of for him. Riddler frowned slightly as he realized that she really did do a lot for him. 

Quelle, who was wearing a matching green, sleeveless dress with purple stockings and green booties, adjusted her purple mask as she looked out the window of the paint and carpet shop in which they were hiding. “Are you sure?” she asked. 

Riddler nodded, tapping his question mark headed cane against the floor with a grin. “Page just confirmed that Batman received the first riddle. Time to move everyone.” 

Riddler smiled, heading to the door without looking back, assuming everyone would be following him. Quelle turned to smile at the gang members, all of them dressed in green and black with little bowler hats (Quelle like Eddie wearing the bowler but the rest of the gang looked silly.) “Well you heard the Boss--let’s get going.” She made a motion with her hand signing for them to move before she followed Eddie out of the store. 

* 

Daryl stepped outside. He wasn’t supposed to have a break for another hour, but he really needed a cigarette. He knew Brian came out here to stop and take a piss because the camera’s out here in this alley didn’t work. (Brian was convinced there were cameras in the restrooms filming everyone taking a piss. Brian entertained a lot of conspiracy theories.) 

Daryl leaned against the wall next to the door and lit up his cigarette. Within a few heartbeats, the smell of smoke chased away the urine smell. He had just taken a deep drag on the cigarette, letting the smoke fill his lungs and was letting it out when he saw a gorgeous woman walking into the alley. She had a shapely build, sweet hips, and a full bosom, and she wore tight clothes that highlighted her killer figure. As she came closer he noticed she didn’t just have a good rack, she had a great rack! He liked women with full boobs. 

He grinned, flicking some ashes into the alley as he stepped closer to her. “Can I help you?” 

“Hiya, I’m a little lost, I was wondering if this is the Gotham Museum of Art?” she asked with an coy smile. 

Daryl moved closer. In the light from the streetlamps he could see blonde hair and that she was wearing all red and black. He tossed his cigarette down and put on his best smile, walking closer to her. She was gorgeous, he thought with a leer, the sort of girl that wouldn’t really pay that much attention to him, but maybe he might get lucky. He wore a uniform, after all. He had heard the rumor about Max getting some girl to give him a blowjob in exchange for a free, after hours tour of the museum. Who knew? Maybe his luck with the ladies was about to change? 

He only paused for a half second when he saw her face paint. Was she a clown? He had heard about clown fetishes...he could get into it he decided. 

“It sure is Miss, but we’re closed.” He walked over until he was standing in front of her. He leaned against the wall, hooking his thumbs through the loops of his pants, trying to go for that sexy casual look that so many Hollywood movie stars were able to do. Fuck, he’d seen Bruce Wayne strike this same pose in pictures many times. 

“Though if you’re interested, I might be convinced to give you a tour.” Daryl grinned and waggled his eyebrows before sticking his finger in his mouth and sucking on it. 

Harley stiffened. 

The idea was that she was to approach and distract the guard, then gas him. The idea was they weren’t going to kill anyone because they didn’t want to draw Batman’s attention back to them. Joker was convinced Batman could smell blood like a vampire bat and he would know they were there. Harley had told him that was silly, but she had to agree in part. There was no point in drawing Batsy's attention if they could avoid it. So, she was supposed to gas the guard and they would throw the unconscious body into the dumpster back here, take his keys, and go in, but now… 

This man was definitely insinuating something and Harley didn’t like it. He kept looking at her breasts, sucking on his fingers in a way that made Harley want to cut his balls off. 

Instead, she stayed in character and smiled, cocking her hip. 

“Oh and what would I have to do for this tour?” she asked, batting her eyelashes at the man. 

He grinned. “I thought I was being pretty clear, but...You do a little bob on the nob and I can see my way to giving you a private, in depth tour of the museum.” He stepped closer, reaching out at the same time to stroke the top of her breasts. 

Harley sneered. “I thought that was what you said.” 

Before he could touch her, Harley yanked out a slender blade she had hidden on her body. She moved fast. One moment Daryl saw a flash of something in the weak beam of the streetlight at the corner, and then next he couldn’t talk. 

Harley grinned when she shoved the blade deep, near the front of his throat, just to the side of Adam's apple and through his carotid artery. There was a small blast of blood, causing Harley to wince as some of it splattered her face. 

“Oops…” She giggled as he stared at her in horror, blood bubbling from between his lips. Harley twisted the blade, causing the man to jump and lift his hands to his neck in shock and the realization that he was about to die. “You are really rude,” she hissed. “That is not the way you talk to women, you know that?” 

She yanked the blade out causing blood to burst from the wound, covering the front of her outfit as well as her face in blood. 

The man fell, his eyes wide as a large puddle of blood quickly formed under him. 

Harley sighed, looking down at him. “God damn it. Puddin wanted no blood…” 

She groaned in disappointment, crouching down to wipe her blade on the man’s pants before sliding it back into its hiding place at the small of her back. She frowned, looking at the man (now clearly dead) and the dumpster. There was no way she was going to get the husky man into the dumpster by herself. If she had followed the plan, she would simply have called everyone and they would dump the guy in there, but she had killed him and she didn’t want Joker to know she had messed up...but… 

She gave the man a good hard kick in the side, cracking a rib. “Asshole,” she muttered before she stuck her fingers in her mouth and whistled. 

Bob came first. 

He saw the body and didn’t ask any questions as he simply picked up the body and hurried down the alley to dispose of the body in the dumpster. Joker and Frost came next, followed by Archie and the rest of the small gang they had brought with them. 

When Joker saw her, he gasped. “Pumpkin!!” 

Joker rushed to her and quickly checked her over. “I’m fine,” Harley said with a soft smile. “It always made her feel good when he worried about her. “It isn’t my blood.” She pointed at the pool on the alley cement. “I’m sorry puddin, I messed up, but...that guard tried to get me to give him a blowjob!” 

Joker stopped looking her over, satisfied that she wasn’t hurt, but his face fell. “He what?” 

Harley sighed. “I’m sorry puddin. I was going to follow the plan like you said, but when he said those lewd things to me...well...I just lost my temper.” 

Joker was quiet for a second before he repeated. “He propositioned you?” 

Harley nodded. 

“Where is he?” Joker growled. 

“I killed him puddin, Bob put him in the dumpster.” Harley said softly. 

Joker snarled and walked past her, heading to the dumpster. Everyone watched as the Clown Prince of Crime climbed into the dumpster. 

While Joker was in the dumpster, Bob pulled out a red handkerchief and started to clean Harley’s face for her while they waited. The gang could all hear movement coming from the dumpster, the sound of the metal dumpster hitting the brick wall behind it, shaking, and a couple of loud growls coming from Joker. 

After a bit Joker climbed back out, Bob hurrying over to help the clown hop down to the ground. 

Once on his feet, Joker straightened his jacket. Bob pulled out another handkerchief, this one orange, and wiped the clown's face clean of blood before Joker walked calmly back over to the group. In the light, Harley could see some blood on his clothing. 

“Sorry, just had to go stab him a few more times,” Joker hissed. “No one makes disgusting suggestions to my girl.” 

Harley giggled softly. “Oh puddin.” 

Joker smiled at her. “Don’t you dare be sorry sweets. He deserved it.” 

Joker opened his arms and Harley flew into them. He held her tightly, hugging her close, tucking her head under his chin. “It’s all right sweets, you did the right thing. Beautifully done too, just the one hole. Sorry I messed him up adding a few others, but…” He shrugged and kissed the top of her head. “...anyway...don’t worry. I’m sure Batsy will be too busy with the fake us to smell blood.” 

Harley giggled, snuggling close with a whisper. “I love you puddin.” 

Joker kissed her head again. “Love you too sweets. Now…” He gently disentangled himself from her, though he kept a gentle hold on her upper arms. “Ready to go steal some goodies?” 

Harley grinned brightly. “Ready!” 

Joker jingled the guards keys in one hand. “Shall we?” 

* 

Quelle jimmied the lock on the service door and grinned when it popped open. The museum really needed to update their security system. They had electronic locks on some of the doors inside, and the outside doors were still the traditional lock and key sort. She supposed a museum didn’t get broken into a lot and the most valuable items were already under lock and key inside, but this was Gotham City. You would think… 

“Did you get it?” Riddler’s voice traveled down the small stairwell that led to the janitor entrance. 

Quelle nodded. “Got it.” 

Riddler grinned and hurried down the stairs, followed by their small gang. Quelle pushed the door open, but Riddler surprised her by taking her hand and leading her inside. 

“How many guards are inside?” Quelle asked. 

* 

“There should be three more guards inside,” Joker said as their gang hurried quietly down one of the halls filled with statues. “We take them out and the museum is…” 

* 

“....all ours!” Riddler chuckled. “Though I think a clue should be left for the old Batman, just something to rub his nose in when he realizes that I outsmarted him yet again!” 

* 

In one of the Impressionist Art halls, Joker and Harley both giggled. “Batman is going to be so annoyed when he finds out we tricked him.” Joker laughed. “I wouldn’t care if we stole a thing--just graffitied the place up--it would irritate Batboy so much his pointy ears might catch fire!” 

Harley laughed, squeezing his hand, but then she stopped and yanked Joker back, dropping down behind a nude statue. The rest of the gang took the signal and scattered to hide in the shadows of the hall. 

Archie simply hid behind Bob, though he asked in a soft, gruff voice. “You think night guards at the museum have guns?” 

Bob shook his head and Archie muttered, “Damn it.” 

* 

At the other end of the Impressionist Art Hall B, Martin and Howard stopped. 

Martin laughed. “Told you if you went that way, it would bring you right back here.” 

Howard looked annoyed. This was his first night on the job and this place was like a fucking maze, which he had no problem saying. “This place is a fucking maze!” 

Martin nodded with another laugh. “Yeah, but you’ll get used to it.” 

Howard yawned and shrugged. “I guess. So ah, where’s Lina?” 

Martin smirked and motioned with his head. “She’s probably over in the pre-Columbian section about now. Why?” he asked, though he knew why. Howard had his eye on Lina the moment he came to work. Martin knew Lina might be interested, but she would play hard to get. That was just how she was… 

Howard opened his mouth to ask how he got to the Pre-Columbian section when he was suddenly hit in the face with a water balloon. 

“What??!” Howard gasped as cold water was a shock, but it was mixed with...slime? The gooey substance rolled down his face as he reached up to touch it. “EW! What the fuck?!” 

The water balloon was followed by a burst of giggles from down the darkened hall. 

“That was a great throw Harley!” A cheerful voice cooed. “Beautiful! My turn!” 

Martin looked at Howard, his brain working too slowly to process the water balloon with the slimy substance. Kids hiding in the museum after hours? He wondered, but that thought was followed by laughter before he was hit right in the balls with another water balloon. The impact was strong enough that it bent him over and he gasped, unable to speak, let along breathe. He grabbed to protect his crotch even though it was already too late, dropping to his knees with a groan. 

“Oh puddin, that was a great throw!!” a female voice squealed. 

Both men looked down the hall to see Joker and Harley with an entire gang of clowns behind them (and one man in a suit) walking toward them. As both men stared, the toxic gas that was slowly started to materialize as the slime, coming in contact with the air, caused it to start to evaporate into a thick green gas, distorting their vision and making the group of clowns wobble and stretch. Martin, from his position on the floor, thought that he was looking at a funhouse mirror, like the one he had looked into as a kid at Haley’s Circus. 

Even with the funhouse affect, Martin could see that both clowns were already covered in blood. 

Martin pulled his baton, his eyes wide as he stared at the clowns. 

Harley made an annoyed face as she walked over to the man who looked up at her with wide eyes. “You’re...you’re...” 

Harley grinned. “Yes sweetheart, I’m Harley Fucking Quinn. Now--go night-night.” 

Using just the tips of her fingers, Harley shoved him in the forehead causing him to fall over just as his fellow guard dropped to the floor next to him like a sack of potatoes. 

Joker chuckled. “Did you just say you were Harley Fucking Quinn?” 

Harley giggled. “I did. Stupid I know.” 

“Nah, it’s so cute. You’re my Harley Fucking Quinn.” He grabbed her around the waist and pulled her close. “I like fucking my Harley Fucking Quinn too.” He purred low and in that seductive tone his wife loved so much, rubbing his nose against hers before he added. “Did you know that seeing you covered in blood turns me on?” 

Harley draped her arms around his shoulders, her smile seductive. “I know puddin, I feel the same way about seeing blood on you…” 

Joker pulled her against him, kissing her deeply, even going so far as to dip her back a bit. 

Frost sighed, wondering if he should remind them what they were doing or… 

Joker suddenly brought Harley back upright with an excited gasp. “Oh, I just had an idea!!” 

Harley giggled not deterred as she turned her attention to nibbling his throat with a whisper. “What’s your idea puddin?” 

He snapped his fingers. “Bob, let’s put your artistic inclinations to work shall we?” 

Bob eagerly came forward, a broad grin splitting his face. 

Joker bowed toward the now unconscious guards while still keeping an arm around Harley’s waist. 

“Have fun my big fellow!” 

Bob clapped his hands with pleasure. 

* 

As their group left the hall, behind them Bob had posed the two guards together into a jumble twist of limbs making them look like some sort of modern art sculpture. It was quite a complicated presentation Harley thought, representing the misguided nature of man and law enforcement. 

As they walked past them Harley giggled. Both men were probably going to need to see chiropractors after tonight. 

She smiled, holding Joker’s hand as the two of them practically skipped their way toward their goal, the Jokes and Riddles display! 

* 

Riddler and Quelle, along with the small handful of gang members that Riddler had brought with them, crept through the Pre-Columbian section. The area was quiet and dimly lit giving the sculptures an almost sinister look in the shadows. 

Quelle whispered. “Shouldn’t we have come across a guard by now?” 

Riddler nodded. “It’s weird. There should be four of them, but we haven't seen one…” 

As if in response to their questions, they saw movement ahead of them, which prompted all of them to quickly scatter, hiding behind something or diving for some shadows. 

At the end of the hall a woman appeared dressed in guard uniform for the museum. 

* 

Lina stopped and stared into the Pre-Columbian section with a frown on her face. She could have sworn she heard something and then saw a shadow, but… 

She continued to frown. This area always gave her the creeps after dark--this one and the modern art section with all its twisted looking sculptures. She shuddered, starting to walk off when she was sure she saw a shadow move from the corner of her eye. 

Lina rubbed her tongue over her top teeth before she pulled her baton and started to walk down the hall. 

* 

Quelle glanced at Riddler. “So what should we do?” 

Riddler frowned. “I could rid…” 

Quelle narrowed her eyes at him and he snapped his mouth shut. “A riddle is not the answer to every problem Eddie.” 

“Are you sure? Maybe...” Eddie started, but Quelle shook her head. 

He sighed looking a little dejected, causing Quelle to reach out and stroke his cheek. “I love your riddles Eddie, but they just won’t help in this case. I think we should just use your cane.” 

Eddie grinned at her, his heart skipping a beat when she touched him. (He had no idea what was going on with him and Quelle. Every time she smiled lately, he kept feeling a little twist in his chest.) 

Quelle smiled. “You go distract her with a riddle, I’ll use the cane. Sound good?” 

Eddie smiled. “Perfect.” 

Quelle leaned over to kiss his cheek. The soft press of her lips sent a burst of heat straight to his groin. “Now go,” she said. 

Eddie felt a little dizzy, but he stood up. 

* 

Lina saw a shadow. That had to be a person! 

She walked into the room, a little fearful. “Hey! Stop right there!” 

Eddie put his hands up and started to walk slowly toward the guard. “You got me…” 

Lina moved quickly toward him, frowning as she got close enough that she could see that the shadow was in fact a man, an attractive man in sort of a nerdy way, but he was wearing a green suit with some sort of pattern that she couldn’t quite see in the dark. 

“Who are you? What are you doing in here?” Lina asked looking around, her hand tight around her baton. She didn’t see anyone else. That was good, at least. 

“Those are all excellent questions, but I have one for you...a simple one I promise.” Eddie smiled. “What has hands, but cannot climb?” 

“What?” Lina frowned. “What are you talking about?” 

Eddie grinned, his eyes twinkling as he saw Quelle moving quietly up behind the woman. “It’s an easy one,” he said as the guard tilted her head in confusion. 

“Are you asking me a riddle?” 

Eddie smiled brightly. “Well, I’m afraid you ran out of time to answer…” 

Lina opened her mouth to ask what he was talking about when Quelle jammed the end of Eddie’s cane into the small of the guard’s back. When the cane made contact, Lina was struck with a high enough voltage of electricity that it made her body go ramrod straight. Her eyes widened as her hand clutched her baton even tighter, and her teeth were clenched giving her a strange smile. 

After a few seconds, Quelle yanked the cane away and the guard fell to the floor, unconscious. 

Eddie chuckled. “I am heavy forward, but backwards I'm not. What am I? Answer: A Ton.” 

Quelle grinned at him before handing his cane back to him and motioning at one of the gang members. “Tie her up please, and stash her somewhere she won’t be found for a while.” 

Riddler put his arm out for Quelle. “Shall we?” 

Quelle blushed and took his arm. “We shall.” 

They headed off for the exhibit hall, both of them blushing and smiling. 

* 

Joker and Harley both squealed with delight as they came into the exhibit hall. One side of the exhibit hall was dedicated to jokes, while the other side was dedicated to riddles. 

They both walked around holding hands, their eyes bright. Not only were there the priceless items that had been shown on the news segment, but they saw much more. Circus memorabilia, vintage posters from famous clown performers like Laurel and Hardy to Annie Fratellini. The museum had an entire display on court jesters, (along with a very rare hat from a court jester outfit dated from the 1500s) with large display cards that gave information about the history and the political importance of jesters. There were several videos showing comedic performances from famous comedians such as Bob Hope to Red Skelton to Ali Wong. 

They even had, to Joker’s delight, Bozo the clown’s costume on display, which made Joker sigh. “I remember watching Bozo as a kid and wondering what it would be like if Bozo threw caution to the wind and used a gun.” 

Harley giggled. “You remember that?” 

Joker sighed and shook his head still looking fondly at the costume. “Nope.” 

Harley smiled kissing his cheek and whispered. “He could never compare to you puddin.” 

Joker smiled putting his arm around her waist and laying his head on top of hers. “You are such a romantic pumpkin. I’m glad you’re into emerald over ginger.” 

Harley smiled happily, snuggling closer to him. 

They continued to walk around gazing at the exhibits. There were other clown costumes on display, props from movies with clowns and comedians, as well as several expensive art objects that personified (according to the artists) the impact of clowns, jokes, and comedy on the masses. 

Joker frowned at Harley. “Pumpkin, I just realized what they don’t have in this display hall! They don’t have us!” 

Harley frowned too. “But you’re the most famous clown...ever…” 

“No my dear, WE are the most famous clowns ever!” Joker corrected his wife. “I think we might have to file a complaint!” 

They had just come to the end of the jokes area, turning around when a group of people walked into the exhibit hall coming to a startled stand-still. 

Riddler’s eyes widened in shock as he yelled. “JOKER??!!” 

Joker blinked in confusion when he saw Eddie. “EDDIE??!” 

Harley cringed. “Uh oh…”


	2. Siege Warfare

Riddler’s voice rose several octaves as he glared at Joker. “What the actual FUCK are you doing here?” 

Joker gasped, his hand to his chest. “Such language! Harley, I feel like I’m getting the vapors!” He fanned himself with his gloved hand. 

Harley giggled and grabbed Joker, pulling him against her, stroking her fingers through his green hair when he laid his head against her shoulder. 

(Frost and the rest of the gang, along with Riddler’s gang, watched silently, though Frost was ready to step in if things became violent, not that Riddler or his gang were all that violent to begin with, but one never knew.) 

Harley purred at Joker, holding him and continued to stroke his hair. 

“Don’t let his foul language get to you puddin.” 

Quelle covered her giggle with her hand while Riddler rolled his eyes with so much exaggeration that Harley was surprised his eyes didn’t pop out of his skull. “What the hell are you doing here?” 

Joker made a face at Riddler, sticking his tongue out before he gave Harley’s neck a snuggle and a lick before he stopped pretending to faint. 

He stood straight again and smirked at Eddie. “Well, the display is the history of jokes and riddles. So…” He motioned at the display hall. “I’m here to get a few trinkets. What are you doing here?” Joker asked with a sneer on his red lips. 

“Riddles, duh,” Riddler said with a frown. 

Harley snickered. Eddie sounded for all the world like he was in a high school movie. She glanced over at Quelle, the two women sharing a grin at the antics of their men. 

Riddler wrinkled his nose. “Well we both can’t be here, so you’ll just have to leave.” 

“What?” Joke blinked at Eddie. “Are you crazy? We just killed a guard and incapacitated the other two. I think we have a right to be here, we earned it. It’s our robbery! I call dibs!” 

Eddie growled. “Well, we took care of a guard too and you can’t call dibs on a robbery!!” 

Joker held a finger out. “One??! You dealt with one?? That gives you right to the bathroom maybe, but not first dibs on the exhibit! And who said you can’t call dibs?? I just did! Dibs are sacred Eddie. You don’t honor dibs, then what kind of world would we be living in?” 

Joker frowned looking comically sad and offended at the same time. 

Eddie growled. “Well I called dibs already!” 

“No you didn’t!” Joker yelled back. 

“Dibs were implied when I came in here!” Riddler yelled back. 

“Implied dibs don’t count! You have to call actual dibs for dibs to work! And we were here first! SO DIBS!!” Joker put his hands on his hips and stuck his tongue out. 

Riddler hissed. “You’re so fucking immature!” 

“Well you’re such a tight ass that we could make a fortune shoving coal up your ass and getting diamonds when you shit!” Joker giggled. 

Riddler narrowed his eyes and gave Joker the finger. 

Joker leaned forward, a wide smile on his red lips, and gave Riddler the bird right back. Riddler walked over and shoved his hand in Joker’s face emphasizing his middle finger by jerking it up like he was stabbing something. 

Joker grinned and responded by using both fingers, getting in Eddie’s face and jerking his fingers up too as if doing so made the impact of the middle finger gesture that much stronger. 

Harley glanced at Quelle who shrugged, neither woman sure if they should interfere or let the two men work this out. Both sets of gang members watched in confusion as Riddler and Joker kept flipping each other off. Frost frowned, wondering how long this was going to go on and how long before Batman realized he had been punked. 

Riddler, seeming at the moment not to care about Batman or the exhibit, growled and responded to Joker’s double flip off by giving Joker two birds himself, leaning toward Joker and grunted with the effort of emphasizing his flipping off gesture and getting as close to Joker’s face as he could without actually touching the clown. 

Joker grinned. He spun around in an elegant, nearly perfect pirouette en dehors, along with a little hop. When he stopped he leaned forward and threw both hands up giving Riddler the double birds with a manic giggle. 

Riddler hissed. “You...asshole!” He did a little dance step, that was sort of a butchered Irish Ceili dance, then threw his middle finger up, before bringing his other arm around over his head in a circle with his middle finger sticking out, which he thrust at Joker. 

(Quelle thought she might wet herself trying not to laugh. She glanced at Harley to see that she was having the same difficulty.) 

Joker giggled, shaking his head. “Oh, you want a dance off do you? Well you picked the wrong clown to mess with riddle-boy!” 

Riddler opened his mouth to respond, but was cut short as Joker turned to the side and did the “running man” dance move at the same time giving Riddler the double middle fingers. 

(Harley bent over trying not to laugh. Bob, who was silently giggling, reached over and patted Harley on the back.) 

Riddler spit like a cat. “You...you…” 

He jumped and spun around throwing the middle fingers of both hands out as hard as he could. 

Joker responded with a floss dance that ended with two middle fingers, sticking out his tongue and reaching up to pull one eyelid down with a middle finger. 

He mimed sticking his knuckle in his nose and pulled as stupid a face as he could while mimicking Riddler. “Look at me, I’m an indirect asshole who tells riddles no one cares about, not even Batman...duh…” 

Eddie screeched. “You cockbite!!” 

Harley was giggling, tears in her eyes because of how ridiculous both men were being. She glanced at Quelle who was also laughing, her knuckles in her mouth as she tried hard not to laugh. 

“Puddin, I don’t really think we have time for this…” she started, but when she looked over at Joker he was grinning at her brightly and gave Harley a wink. She could tell he wasn’t done with this little fight with Eddie, not by a long shot. He was enjoying himself far too much. 

“Fine! But you know what Eddie?” Joker’s grin was that of a very bad, mischievous twelve year old boy. 

Eddie narrowed his eyes, clearly unable to resist the urge to say anything. “Don’t you dare...whatever you’re going to say you can just stuff it up your red clown nose you...you...heathen!” 

“If your brains were dynamite, there wouldn't be enough to blow your hat off!” Joker burst into laughter. 

Eddie yelled, pointing dramatically at Joker. “That’s it!! This is war you stupid clown!!!!” 

Quelle groaned, smacking herself in the face. 

Joker squealed with excitement, grabbing Harley’s hand as he ran over to the jokes side of the exhibit, turning around to point at Eddie. “I claim this territory in the name of Joker and Harley Quinn!!” He threw his and Harley’s joined hands into the air before yelling. “THIS IS THE LAND OF JOKES!! ALL RIDDLES ARE FORBIDDEN!! Men!! And women, of course. We must fortify our area!! We must build a fort to repel the invaders before they bring disease and their false gods into our lands!!” Joker then struck a dramatic pose, one hand on his waist, the other held out and holding his cane up like a flag. 

Harley giggled as their gang of clowns scattered to grab whatever they could to make a fort. Bob looked delighted by the entire thing and hurried off into the next room where several large marble sculptures were on display. Within seconds he was carrying two large marble statues over both shoulders. 

She was pretty sure the real reason they were here had been completely forgotten now that Joker had a game to play. 

* 

Riddler turned and ran toward the side where the riddle artifacts were on display. “Everyone put up some barriers!! We are not going to lose to a stupid, green-haired clown!!” 

Quelle sighed, following Eddie at a slower pace. “So what exactly are we doing? Are you two just going to throw insults and middle fingers at each other?” 

Riddler just gave Quelle a withering look. “I have to outsmart that clown and that is what I’m going to do!” 

Quelle shook her head, but she was smiling. For such a smart man, Eddie never realized just how crazy he was or the fact that he enjoyed his “fights” with Joker. The two of them were best friends, whether they realized it or not. She supposed she shouldn’t be surprised, Eddie still didn’t seem to quite realize that she was in love with him. 

For a smart man, Eddie Nygma was pretty dumb. 

* 

Over the next several minutes, Joker’s and Riddler’s gangs started to grab items in the museum to build up walls for their “forts” on either side of the exhibit hall. Each gang had grabbed display cases, artifacts, chairs, paintings, trash cans, whatever else they could find that was portable and could be moved into the display hall (Frost was just thankful that Bob had taken care of the alarms before they had gotten too far into the museum or this game would have been over really quick once they started grabbing anything that wasn’t bolted down to build their forts.) 

By the time the two men and their gangs were done dragging items into the exhibit hall and building their forts, the place looked like a warzone with Riddler and his people on the side of the riddle displays and Joker and Harley had a fort on the side of jokes display, each group surrounded by piles of expensive and irreplaceable art. 

Bob had designed Joker and Harley’s fort by placing two naked marble statues--one at each corner--then using four large paintings (watching Bob carry the wall size paintings had been impressive enough that everyone on both sides had stopped what they were doing to watch him) set up like shields along the front of their fort. Bob had designed a sort of “entrance” using statues, pottery and paintings, then he had used several benches stacked like legos to provide a fairly solid wall of defense around them. 

It was all pretty impressive Harley thought with a grin as she surveyed Bob’s handiwork. They even had a purple flag that had started life as part of an 18th century men's frock coat that had been on display. 

Joker snickered as he hunkered down behind the walls with Harley and the rest of the gang. They were all crouched in a huddle as if they were getting ready to play a game of football. 

“Okay clowns, we need to make a tally of what weapons we have.” Joker looked at each of them before he asked. “We still have plenty of water balloons?” 

Archie, who had an unlit cigar in his mouth nodded. “Yeah Boss, less than half got that slime stuff in them, the rest are just water. Between all of us we got at least a dozen, maybe a few more...” 

Joker rubbed his hands together. “Good, good…What other nonlethal weapons do we have on us?” He asked looking around at the gang. 

Harley grinned. No matter how hard a time Joker gave Riddler, she knew that her puddin liked the man, in his own way. If he didn’t like Eddie, the man would have been dead a long time ago. Joker didn’t not tolerate people he didn’t like; if he didn’t like someone they ended up dead, simple as that. 

She wondered if Eddie knew that? 

One of the gang members, a young woman with pink hair named Stan murmured. “I don’t think we have a lot of nonlethal things with us do we?” 

Carl, a clown with purple and blue hair, raised his hand. Joker nodded at him to speak and Carl grinned. “We have some of those snap pops.” 

Joker giggled, rubbing his hands together. “OH, I do love those and Eddie hates them--the neurotic nerd.” 

Bob smiled, pulling out a gun which turned out to be a toy suction cup dart gun instead of a traditional firearm. Joker laughed with delight. “I can always count on you Bob!” 

Frost spoke up. “Well Boss, we could make some pen darts. Used to make those when I was a kid in school. Just need some pens and some shoelaces.” He indicated with his head toward one of the doorways. “I bet they got plenty of pens in the offices here.” 

Joker beamed at him. “I love that idea! Everyone give Frosty your shoe laces! And I have some stink bombs…” 

Harley groaned. “Why do you have stink bombs puddin! Again...Ew!” 

Joker grinned at her. “Because my sweets, stick bombs are a classic. I always carry a supply of classic pranks with me, just don’t always use them.” Joker began to empty his pockets, first setting out the small glass vials that were the classic stink bombs, followed by pucker chewing gum, x-ray glasses, a fake ice cube with a bug in it, fake dog do, an atomic joy buzzer (or in Joker’s case a deadly joy buzzer), a squirting rubber flower (could be water, could be acid, one never knew), a small bag of itching powder, and exploding cigarettes. 

“I think we are well supplied my darlings.” Joker grinned. “Frost, go get the pens…” 

Harley giggled. “What about the fire extinguisher?” She pointed at the wall where they could see a small, barely visible fire extinguisher. “And we could make spit wads.” 

Joker grabbed Harley and gave her a loud kiss against her cheek. “You are perfect. Have I told you that sweets?” 

Harley giggled happily. “Yes you have puddin.” 

“Well then it needs to simply be said again: you my pumpkin, are perfect!” Joker purred, booping her nose with the tip of his finger before he turned back to his gang. “Now, it’s time to win this war! Riddler won’t know what hit him...which if we’re honest, is most of the time...or at least he won’t know until something sticky with spit hits him in the face!” 

He laughed. “Serves him right.” Joker grinned. “See his flag Harls...that’s one of my colors…” 

Harley saw the offending green flag in Riddler’s camp as Joker murmured. “I simply cannot let that stand.” 

Harley giggled. “Well, I suppose you can’t puddin…” 

* 

A green flag made from an irreplaceable dress that had been on display hung from a pole in Riddler’s fort. Eddie was crouched down behind his fort, which was not quite as nicely put together as Joker and Harley’s, but he also didn’t have Bob working for him. Riddler had always felt that Bob gave Joker an unfair advantage over all of the other criminals in Gotham. But, while his fort didn’t look as good as Joker’s, he was confident it was solid enough to help him win this war and make off with the museum’s loot. 

He glanced over in Joker’s direction when he heard the clown’s laughter echo off the walls. 

“Asshole…” he muttered before turning his attention to his little group. “So, what weapons do we have?” he asked with a look around at his gang. 

One man in a bowler hat with short blonde hair named Jamie, held up a gun expectantly, but Riddler shook his head. 

“No, no, nonlethal, I don’t want to kill them,” Riddler said with annoyance and with the tone of someone who found the entire idea of actually murdering them ridiculous. “Too messy!” 

Jamie frowned and slid the gun back into hiding, looking like a shamed dog. 

Quelle frowned in thought. “Well, we have those shock grenades, those aren’t deadly, just annoying and a little painful.” 

“Oh, those are good!” Riddler chuckled pointing at her and nodding. “I love those!” 

One of the goons, a young man with eyes that were too big for his face named Norm grinned. “I have a BB gun.” He pulled out a pistol that looked like a Beretta, but ‘airgun’ was embossed on the black metal slide. 

Riddler wanted to ask why Norm had brought a BB gun to a heist instead of a regular gun, but decided right now wasn’t the time to ask; he was just happy Norman had something nonlethal with him. 

Another gang member, a short, balding man named Jim grinned. “We still have all the smoke bombs we brought with us.” 

Riddler nodded. “Good...what else can we do…” 

Mimi, one of the newest members to Riddler’s gang asked brightly. “Can we maybe use harsh words?” 

Everyone turned to look at her. 

Mimi frowned. “Well...they say words can hurt right? And ah...you’re all about words, right Mr. Riddler?” 

Eddie smiled. “That’s true, a harshly worded and clever insult would really get under that clown's skin.” He snickered. “A game of wits might be in order too…” 

Eddie rubbed his hands together. “Let the games begin!” 

* 

Across town Batman was on the trail of the Joker and Harley Quinn. He had followed them for only a few blocks when the clowns had stopped. They were both now standing by an ATM and they looked to be arguing. Something about this didn’t feel right. 

Robin frowned, watching them argue for a moment, then asked softly. “Does something seem off about them?” He turned to look at Batman. “I don’t know what it is, but they don’t...move right.” 

Batman nodded as he watched them. “Yes, and it’s not just because they’re arguing. Something seems wrong with the way they are standing, their gestures…” 

Robin whispered. “Batman, I don’t think that’s them.” 

Batman nodded, becoming angry at the thought that this might not in fact be Joker and Harley, that he and Robin had been chasing two phoney clowns around all night when his communicator beeped. He reached up and tapped his ear. “Yes.” 

“Sir…” It was Alfred. 

“What is it Alfred?” Batman asked while he continued to watch the two clowns. 

“Nightwing and Batgirl just reported in to tell me that the Riddler they were chasing was in fact, not the Riddler, but a decoy sir.” Alfred did not sound surprised. 

Batman hissed something low under his breath, something that neither Alfred nor Robin could hear, but Alfred muttered. “Sir, language.” 

“Have any alarms been set off at the museum?” Batman asked. 

“I’m assuming you mean the art museum sir?” Alfred asked. “Not some other museum?” 

“Yes...the art museum,” Batman replied dryly. “Check the security cameras and the traff…” Batman wasn’t able to finish his sentence before Alfred replied. “Sir, the cameras are out.” 

Batman again muttered under his breath only to have Alfred answer with an offended sniff clearly understanding exactly what Batman had muttered. 

“Alfred, Robin and I are on our way back to the museum. Tell Nightwing and Batgirl to meet us there. I think Joker and the Riddler tried to pull a fast one on us. Send a message to the police to pick up a couple of clowns on 2nd and Vine.” Batman was moving even as he spoke, his steps quick, heading straight for the fake Joker and Harley who were still arguing, not taking notice of anyone or anything around them. 

“I would say sir, that the Riddler and Joker succeeded in pulling, as you say, a fast one,” Alfred replied dryly. 

Robin was chasing after Batman. “So that isn’t Joker and Harley?” 

“No,” Batman growled. “And apparently the Riddler was a fake too.” 

Robin frowned. “Are Joker and Riddler working together?” 

“I don’t know yet, but it’s happened before,” Batman said low and menacing, his anger coming to the surface just a little bit. 

The fake Joker turned at the sound of Batman’s voice, but by the time he saw Batman was almost on top of them, it was already too late. Batman’s fist flew, smashing the fake Joker’s nose in a loud crunch accompanied by a spurt of blood. 

Batman muttered. “I hate clowns and I hate riddles.” 

* 

Back at the museum, Joker narrowed his eyes, a straw in his hand, his eyes fixed on Riddler’s fort. 

Bob and Frost had not only raided the museum offices for pens, but they had also hit the museum’s restaurant where they grabbed all the straws. The restaurant still had plastic straws, along with napkins and some old bread rolls found in the walk-in fridge. (Not only had Bob and Frost gone foraging for Joker, so had a couple of Riddler’s men. When the two groups had run into each other, they called a truce once both sides realized their Bosses were planning to fight with non-lethal means, to gather more battle supplies before heading back to their Bosses’ separate forts.) 

Joker waited patiently, his straw held at the ready. 

Harley was sitting in a chair next to him, a smirk on her pretty face as she watched her puddin hunt Eddie. She had the jewel encrusted harlequin mask slung around her neck like a necklace as she sat and waited, bouncing her crossed legs. She had a straw in her hand as well, but she didn’t really see any reason for her to participate in this little war. She and Quelle were not fighting, they were innocent bystanders to their lovers' feud. 

She glanced over at Riddler’s fort, a hodgepodge of art pieces that had been thrown together haphazardly. Joker’s fort looked as if it had been actually built, put together with care by Bob and the others, whereas Riddler’s looked chaotic, thrown together by a bunch of kids. 

Harley examined a nail on one hand. “So are you going to shoot or what puddin?” 

“Shh, pumpkin. This is delicate work,” Joker muttered as he watched and waited. “A sniper exhibits patience, as well as skill.” 

Harley yawned. “I’m bored puddin.” 

Joker put a finger to his lips. “Shh...whoever makes the first move will win the war, and I intend on winning.” 

Harley frowned at him, but then sighed. There was no way she was going to distract Joker unless she undressed or something. He had a one track mind sometimes and this time he was focused on beating Eddie. 

Joker could see Riddler moving behind the walls of his fort, Fort Riddles Suck as Joker was calling it, but Joker was waiting for just the right moment. 

Finally Eddie moved into position. 

Joker grinned brightly and put the straw to his red lips and blew. 

* 

Riddler moved along his wall holding one of his smoke bombs. 

He had looked over at Joker’s fort, balancing the little round cherry colored bomb in his hand, unsure if he could make the throw so that the bomb would end up inside the fort and not just outside the walls, though he supposed that was fine too. The smoke would spread pretty quickly, especially in this enclosed space, not that the smoke would do much damage except to maybe irritate them. 

Eddie twisted his lips as he looked over the wall of his fort to try to judge the distance again. He lit the fuse with a lighter, judging the distance before attempting to throw the little bomb when something small and wet smacked him in the forehead. 

“AH!” The impact stung like a bee sting. Riddler dropped back down with a cry, dropping his smoke bomb. The bomb, the fuse of which had started to burn quickly, hit the floor and rolled away from him, immediately starting to spew smoke in every direction. 

Quelle hurried over grabbing Eddie, one arm over her face shielding her mouth and nose with her arm as the smoke filled their fort. “Eddie?! What happened…” She grabbed at him, pulling Eddie close in order to examine his face while trying not to cough. 

Quelle giggled, coughed, then forced herself to press her lips together as she tried not to laugh too much when she saw, stuck to the middle of Eddie’s forehead, was a tiny, wet wad of paper. 

Joker had nailed him with a spit wad. 

“That man is a menace!” Eddie yelled then coughed as he breathed in some smoke before yelling. “Someone fan this shit away!” 

Riddler turned to Quelle, looking so insulted that it took every ounce of self-control she possessed not to laugh. “He hit me a spit wad! Who does that?!” 

Quelle pressed her lips together, her eyes watering from smoke and laughter as she shrugged, not trusting herself to open her mouth. 

Riddler stood with narrowed eyes. “Well, prepare for some revenge.” 

Eddie turned and yelled. “Okay forget the smoke bombs…” He called. “Those are irritating...prepare the stale rolls!” 

Quelle nodded with tears of mirth in her eyes. 

* 

Joker fell onto his back laughing when the smoke bomb went off and began to fill Riddler’s fort. Harley was looking over the wall giggling. “Wow puddin, I think you might have gotten him in the forehead, but he went down so fast I couldn’t be sure…” 

Joker pushed himself up on his elbows, grinning up at her. “Let’s see what he retaliates with...but right now I need a reward…” He reached out with one hand and made grabby motions for Harley. 

She giggled softly removing her jeweled mask that she had been wearing as a necklace, dropping the priceless piece on the chair she had just been occupying like it was a simple trinket, and reached out to take her puddin’s hand. 

Joker yanked her down on top of him. Harley giggled more as she flopped onto his chest. 

“There, much better,” Joker cooed as Harley settled between his legs. 

Harley laid along his long, slender body while holding herself up on her hands and looked down at him. “You know we’re wasting time with Eddie right?” She quirked a blonde eyebrow at him. 

Joker grinned at her. “Yep, I do. It’s fun, and besides pumpkin, he is sooooo easy to goad into things. It just seems a waste not to do it. I mean really, is it ever a waste of time to fuck with Eddie, the Great Riddler?” He reached up and played with a loose strand of her hair before lightly tracing her lips until Harley was forced to suck them in because the feather light touch tickled. 

She smiled when he chuckled at her. “You know Batman is going to be here any minute right?” 

Joker nodded as he lightly ran his fingers along her chin, then down the front of her throat, his caress warm even with the gloves he wore. “Yep,” he said with a grin, his eyes following the movement of his fingers along her skin. 

Harley narrowed her eyes. “You have something planned for Batman don’t you?” 

“I might…” Joker said with a smirk. “I’m always prepared for every situation.” He winked at her before returning his gaze to her breasts. 

Harley narrowed her blue eyes. “Are you going to tell me?” 

“Nope, it’s gonna be a surprise,” Joker purred softly, his fingers caressing the top of her breasts where they swelled over the top of her corset. “Mm...since you’re here in a perfect position…” Joker murmured. 

Harley could feel that he was already hard between her legs as he purred. “...just a little fun while we wait for Eddie’s retaliation…” Joker pulled her down forcing her to drop to her elbows, his tongue caressing her throat. For a moment Harley forgot about everything else except how good Joker’s mouth felt on her throat. 

Joker nibbled at her throat, his hands traveling down her sides. He smiled as he caressed the curves of her body until he arrived at her rear, which he grabbed gently with both hands, spreading his fingers wide and pulling her against him. He thrust up against her at the same time, his lips pulled back in a smile as he licked her throat. 

Harley responded with a soft moan, rubbing herself against his erection in response. She felt more than she heard Joker’s responding growl of pleasure, his mouth sliding down to the top of her breasts as he pulled her up slightly. She was so occupied with his tongue tracing the top of her corset that when he flipped her over, she wasn't prepared. 

She let out a little squeak when he moved. 

Joker rolled her over, hooking a leg with one of hers, at the same time catching her head to protect her from knocking it against the marble floor. When he had her pinned under him he grinned, his red lips spread in a smile that made his blue eyes dance. 

Harley giggled as Joker settled between her legs, his blue eyes flashing with mischief. 

“Puddin!” she gasped with laughter as he gently rested her head against the floor. 

“There, that’s even better.” He murmured as he reached down and began to unlace from front of her corset, his fingers moving quickly and deftly pulling the ties free. 

“Puddin...I don't think...'' Harley began to protest, but quickly lost all train of thought as Joker pulled her corset open enough that he could enjoy her breasts, his mouth and tongue hot on her skin. She made a soft little groan as his tongue circle one of her nipples, his gloved hand caressing and squeezing her other breast. 

Frost had glanced over just as Joker’s head covered Harley’s chest. Even in the dim light of the exhibit hall it was clear what was going on. He cringed and thumped Bob in the shoulder where the big man was quickly making dart guns out of the pens and shoelaces they had. 

The big man glanced over at Frost, then over to where Frost was pointing. He saw Joker and Harley and he silently made an “Aw…” face, a smile on his big, rosy cheeks. Frost was glad someone found the Boss’s and Miss Quinn’s prevalence for sexual antics in the middle of nearly every job so adorable. 

Frost growled at the rest of the gang. “All right, everyone turn around.” 

Lizzo, one of the newest members of Joker’s clown posse (a name Joker found hilarious) glanced over and rather loudly asked. “Are they getting ready to…” 

“Yes,” Frost stated flatly. “Now turn around and finish filling those balloons with that pitcher of water.” 

Lizzo jumped and quickly turned around. The rest of the gang immediately moved themselves out of the way at the far end of the “fort,” everyone turning their backs on Joker and Harley for the moment. 

* 

Across the room Riddler looked over the top of his wall, eyes narrowed. The room was dark, but not so dark that he still couldn’t see Joker. 

“Where is that maniacal clown?” he growled. 

Quelle, who was standing next to him, frowned. “Why are the rest of their gang all over there?” she asked pointing. “And why are their backs turned?” 

Riddler frowned for only a moment before he groaned. “Ugh, those two are like a pair of high schoolers on prom night! Joker can’t ever keep it in his pants!” 

Quelle smiled. “Oh I don’t know, I think it’s sorta sweet the way they are so into each other.” 

“They fuck like a couple of dogs in heat every damn time they’re out!” Riddler muttered, his eyes narrowed. 

He looked back at his gang, all of them armed with stale dinner rolls. “Prepare to launch.” Riddler grinned and turned back to face Joker and Harley’s fort. 

“On my mark…” He waited, then threw his arm out pointing. “Let her rip!!” 

* 

Joker had made his way down to Harley’s stomach where he was working on the belt of her pants when the first dinner roll made it over the wall, hitting him in the back of the head. It didn’t hurt, but it was annoying. 

The next roll hit Harley in the chest and bounced off. “Ouch!” Harley yelped more in surprise than pain. 

Joker reached out and picked up one of the rolls just as several more flew over the wall. Harley sat up scooting out of the way as stale dinner rolls hit the floor around them. 

Joker narrowed his eyes. “That...that...that green glob of snot!” 

Harley snickered. 

Joker stood up with a roll in hand and threw it back at Riddler yelling. “HEY!! I was busy!!” 

Riddler grinned over his wall at Joker and yelled. “I’m not stopping so you two can fuck!!” 

“Hey my lady has needs!! You sir, are a jerk and a cad!! Oh and I forgot, you’re dickless!!” Joker yelled back. “You have dick envy because you don’t have one!!” 

“You...you two bit clown!!” Riddler yelled with offended exasperation. “And I do too have a dick!!” 

“Are you sure? Has anyone seen it? Quelle, have you seen this supposed dick?” Joker yelled back while Harley smacked him in the shoulder. “Hey don’t bring Quelle into this!” she warned him, but she was laughing. 

Joker grinned. “I don’t know if Eddie’s even figured out Quelle would like to find out if he does indeed have a dick. I think she’s gonna be disappointed.” Joker giggled only to have a laughing Harley smack him in the shoulder again. 

Riddler yelled. “You...you dolt. You’re not funny!!” 

“Well at least I’m not a train wreck! Oh wait, I looked you up on the wikipedia list of train wrecks, and you weren’t there. Apparently they don’t record ongoing tragedies!!” Joker yelled back with a laugh. 

Riddler only spit incoherently. 

* 

Batman and Robin dropped down into the museum from an access point through the roof. Nightwing and Batgirl were coming, but they had gotten caught up in stopping a drug deal between two gangs on the way here. Batman had told them to catch up when they were done. 

The moment he and Robin had touched down, Batman could hear the yelling. He frowned, confused for a moment. 

Robin hissed. “Is that Joker and Riddler...yelling at each other?” 

Batman nodded then sighed. “What is going on?” he muttered and started to move quietly toward the sounds of yelling. 

* 

Joker turned around to Frost and the others. “Are the shoelace darts ready?” 

Frost nodded. “Yes Boss, just finished them.” 

Joker rubbed his hands together. “Good, good...let's get them ready. I want everyone to shoot them at the same time. It’ll be like The Battle of Agincourt!! We’re the English longbow men and Eddie and his crew are the French!!” Joker chuckled. The entire statement caused Harley to lift a brow at him. The strange things he remembered or knew out of nowhere always surprised her. 

She said nothing, but grinned, shaking her head following Joker as he hurried over to Frost and Bob. 

* 

Riddler snarled at his gang. “Get the grenades ready. Joker wants to play, well, we’ll play…” 

* 

Batman had just started to slink quietly into the room having followed the voices to the History of Jokes and Riddles display room just as Joker yelled. “Hey Eddie!! I know what you are since you’re dickless!! You’re a fluffer!!” 

Batman jerked to a stop. 

Riddler yelled back. “What are you even talking about??!” 

Robin glanced at Batman with a curious frown. 

“HAha!! Look it up on your phone--I’ll wait!!” Joker yelled back. 

Batman took in the room, recovering quickly. He could see that the two criminals had built themselves some sort of barriers on either side of the room using priceless pieces of artwork. His jaw stiffened, teeth grinding in annoyance and a little bit of anger. He had donated some of those pieces himself as Bruce Wayne and these two...imbeciles were destroying them doing whatever the hell it was they were doing. 

Riddler screeched back. “I AM NOT A FLUFFER!!” 

This was greeted by almost hysterical laughter from Joker and Harley. 

Riddler yelled again. “Throw the grenades!!” 

Batman stiffened as several round objects flew across the space. He grabbed Robin yanking the boy back, but when the grenades hit, not making it over Joker’s wall of artwork and detonated, he saw that they were only Riddler’s electrical grendas which would give a wicked shock, but nothing else. Still, those electrical grenades did scratch some of the priceless paintings being used as part of Joker’s wall. 

Joker yelled back. “Hey dickless, who taught you to throw?? An armless man??!!” 

Suddenly stealth didn’t seem the best choice, as for a moment Bruce Wayne asserted himself over Batman and he yelled. 

“THAT IS ENOUGH!” 

Everything went quiet, all heads turning toward Batman. 

Even Robin looked shocked by Batman’s yell. 

Batman stomped into the room. “That’s enough! You’re all under arrest.” 

“Oh, hey Batsy!” Joker waved over the top of his makeshift fort wall. “Surprised it took you so long.” He grinned. “So, how ya doing?” 

Riddler yelled pointing over his own fort wall at Joker. “He started it!” 

Batman hissed. “I don’t care who started it! I’m ending it.” 

Joker chuckled. “Hey Bats! He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you--he really is an idiot!!” 

“Shut up BOTH OF YOU!” Batman pulled out a batarang, Robin following suit with his own birdarangs, but Joker’s voice rang out. “Oh now, no, no. Can’t have you ruining our fun little party just yet!!” 

Before Batman could move another step, Joker and Harley (whose head popped up from around Joker’s shoulder) both held up what looked like straws. For a split second Batman and Robin were both confused, but then something hit them both. Batman was struck in the throat, while Robin was hit in the chest. 

Batman looked down and pulled out what had hit him to see a needle thin dart. He heard Joker’s laugh. 

“Another new toy I made. Haven’t tried it out yet, it’s supposed to paralyze you for…” He turned to look over his shoulder at Harley. “How long did I say sweets?” 

Harley frowned in thought. “Mm...I think you said it could be anywhere from ten mintues to an hour, maybe as long as a day. Don’t know puddin.” 

Joker shrugged. “Well, it's the not knowing that’s fun!!” 

“Now, Eddie where were we...Oh yes. You realizing you’re a fluffer.” Joker grinned across the hall at Eddie who snarled. 

“Assclown!” 

“Game Show host wannabe!” Joker grinned. 

“Has been!” Riddler replied. 

“Lickspittle Pillock!” Joker laughed. 

“Those aren't even words!” Riddler yelled. 

“They are too!!” Joker replied. 

Batman rolled his eyes wishing he could clench his jaw, but he couldn’t move from the position where he had fallen to the floor next to an equally paralyzed Robin.


	3. Boots and Punchlines

Joker grinned at Batman’s prone figure and cracked his knuckles before turning his attention back to Riddler. “Now, where were we...oh yes...I was about to call you a cunt.” 

Riddler gasped, his eyes wide. “WHAT!!” 

Joker smiles brightly. “Well sometimes it's best to get right down to the nitty gritty Eddie and I’m afraid ‘cunt’ sums you up nicely.” 

“You take that back you Ronald McDonald wannabe!!” Riddler pointed at Joker, leaning over his wall of artwork until it looked as if he and the artwork would tumble over. 

Joker stuck his thumbs in his ears, stuck his tongue out, and wiggled his fingers. “Nah nah, why don’t you come over here and make me!” He turned around and flipped his coat aside to wiggle his ass at Riddler even though the effect was muted by the fact that Riddler probably couldn’t see Joker’s rear end due to the wall of artwork around them. 

Batman lay on the floor nearly vibrating with the effort of trying to move, though it did no good. The only part of himself that he could move was his eyes. He tried to see where Robin was, but he could only sense that the young man was near his feet, otherwise he couldn’t see him. 

Having to watch those two idiots destroy priceless art while they acted like grade-schoolers was enough to drive him mad. 

Batman fumed. This was humiliating. 

* 

While Joker and Riddler were occupied with irritating each other, Harley sighed and rolled her eyes. She glanced over at Eddie’s side of the room and saw Quelle was leaning against a back wall, her arms crossed over her chest, looking as bored as she felt. Harley smiled after a moment of thought. She had a plan! 

She slipped away from Joker who was making a variety of insulting gestures at Eddie and slinked her way over to Riddler’s side of the room. 

She didn’t go completely over to Eddie’s side, but close enough that she caught Quelle’s eye. Once she had the other woman’s attention, Harley motioned the other woman over. 

Batman could see Harley from his limited vantage point. He would have frowned if he could have moved his face more, watching as the Riddler’s right hand woman, Quelle, hurried over to the blonde woman. 

Quelle glanced over at Eddie, but he was completely involved in yelling insults at Joker. He was leaning over their wall so much that she was sure he was going to fall over and smash his face into the marble floor. 

Quelle sighed, shaking her head before she hurried over to Harley; neither of their men noticed that the two women were having their own meeting. 

Once Quelle was close enough, Harley grabbed her arm and pulled her into the shadows. 

“I don’t know about you, but I think we need to stop the two of them.” Harley glanced over at Joker who was dancing around flipping off Eddie who looked like he might have an aneurysm. 

“They’ll keep this up all night,” she muttered. 

Quelle nodded in agreement. “Maybe we can convince them to call a truce? I mean, does Joker really want any of the riddle stuff?” 

“No, no he doesn’t...though he might be a jerk about it just to annoy Eddie.” Harley giggled then smiled. “But I have ways of convincing him.” She smiled with a lift of her eyebrows. 

Quelle sighed. “I wish I could get Eddie to pay attention to me like that.” 

Harley frowned at her. “He still hasn’t figured out you like him...like in a “stick your…”” 

Quelle squeaked, reaching out to cover Harley’s mouth. 

Harley giggled behind her friend's hand. “I’ll take that as a no.” 

“No. I mean, I don’t think he’ll know unless I just tell him.” She sighed. “For a smart man he’s really dumb.” 

Harley giggled again and asked. “Have you tried, I don’t know, just getting naked in front of him?” 

Quelle blushed, shaking her head. “No...I mean I’ve thought about it…” 

“I think you should. Sometimes Eddie needs the question thrown in his face…” Harley grinned at her before changing the subject. “Anyway...truce?” Harley put her hand out to Quelle. 

Quelle nodded, taking Harley’s hand. “Truce.” 

* 

In one of the exhibit rooms near the back of the museum, a group of armed men milled about. The room held displays of irreplaceable ancient Greek and Roman art, from impressive marble statues, to intricate painted pottery, to bronze figures. Everything in the room was beyond price. 

A small group of armed men, all dressed in black, were knocking over several of the statues while others were grabbing smaller, more portable pieces of art which they were shoving into large, black duffle bags that they had strapped around their shoulders. A few of the men were even spray painting some of the statues and pottery, defacing or damaging whatever art wasn’t small enough to be portable. All of the destruction was done for no other reason than they could get away with it. 

Standing in the middle of the room, grinning as he watched his men work, was a large, ugly, bald man with the deep imprint of a boot in the middle of his face. The scar had made him an outcast in the criminal underworld, like he had somehow switched sides! The other criminals acted like he had gotten the fucking Bat’s autograph or something! 

Well, after he got out of prison on good behavior, the scarred man took the name Bootface. It was a name that was supposed to strike fear in his enemies! He was going to use this scar to make all the other criminals in Gotham fear him. 

But of course, he needed to make a name for himself first. 

He grinned as he looked around the room at his men working. He had only been back in Gotham for a short while, but already his return was off to a good start; at least he thought so. 

Last night, Bootface’s men had hit a drug store, the night before that an all-night convenience store, and the night before that they had robbed a grocery store, and they hadn't been caught! 

Tonight was their next big move! Tonight’s take was going to pay the big bucks! 

He had picked the museum mostly because he knew that the place would have some goods they could easily sell. Penguin was always buying hot merchandise, especially if it was art. Art was always a pretty good seller on the blackmarket and the art museum was never as heavily guarded as it should be, which meant they didn’t need guns, just some bats and knives (gunfire always drew attention. He’d learned that much after his fateful encounter with Batman.) 

Bootface figured this place was a pretty easy hit. Kill the guards, disarm the alarm system (disarming the alarm system meant ripping out some wires which only bought them a little time. The systems nowadays always seemed to have some backup bullshit that alerted whatever security place was being paid to watch the place. But it still gave them enough time to get in and get out.) But when they arrived tonight to find that there were no guards and the alarm system was down, Bootface had thought it was like Christmas! 

This was going to be their biggest score yet! He just wished he had known it was going to be this easy. He might have gotten a van or a truck and tried to unload some of the bigger pieces of art, but since that wasn’t the case, he was letting his guys blow off some steam by destroying what they couldn’t take with them. 

It was fun, and besides, he didn’t really care that much about art, except what he could get for it. The way he figured it, destroying a few of these things would drive the prices of the rest up and that was good for him. 

“All right boys, let’s move to the next room!” Bootface called out. “I got my eye on that jeweled harlequin mask I saw on TV, so let’s hurry before our luck runs out!” Bootface headed off at a brisk walk. He wasn’t exactly sure where the exhibit hall for the special stuff was, but he figured they had the museum to themselves. Finding it wasn’t going to be a problem. 

* 

When Harley returned, Joker was laughing so hard he was in tears. 

He grinned brightly when he saw her. “Eddie makes this too easy!!” 

Harley smiled nodding, her hands on her hips. “Yeah, but puddin...I was thinking, maybe we should call a truce.” 

Joker stopped laughing, wiping at his eyes. “What? A truce? Why?” He stuck his bottom lip out looking like she had just taken away his favorite toy and put him in time out. “I’m having fun pumpkin…” 

“Puddin, I mean I know this is fun and all, but how long before the cops show up? Do you have enough paralysis to take care of all the cops? And you said so yourself that you don’t know how long Batman is going to be down. Why don’t we just get what we came for and go home?” She walked over to him, sashaying her hips as she did, which immediately drew his attention. When she was close enough, Harley draped her arms over his shoulders, leaning close, her lips inches from his red painted lips. 

She bit her bottom lip, gazing at him from under her dark lashes. “We could go home and I could put on the harlequin mask--and nothing else,” she purred. “You could tie me to the bed…” 

Joker’s smile was slow and sensual, his hands going to her waist. “You always do have a way of arguing your point pumpkin.” His gaze slowly moved down to her breasts, pressing against her corset. He licked his lips looking back up into her light blue eyes. “Okay, truce.” 

* 

Across the room Quelle sighed. “Eddie, come on, do you really want any of the joke stuff?” 

Eddie had his arms crossed over his chest, looking like a petulant child. “No...but…” 

Quelle reached out and stroked his arm. “I’ll make your favorite tea and we still have some biscuits left. We could watch those old mystery movies you like...maybe…” She swallowed blushing shyly before she said softly. “...we could cuddle under a blanket…” 

Eddie looked up at her, his green eyes wide, surprise on his face, and his cheeks had turned red. “Ah…” 

He was distracted from saying anything when he caught movement from the corner of his eyes and turned to see Joker and Harley strolling over to them. Joker had his arm around Harley’s waist, that stupid smile of his on his stupid face, Riddler thought with a frown. 

“What are you doing over here?” Eddie asked grumpily. 

“Eddie!! I want a truce!” Joker called out. 

Eddie frowned, his eyes widening before he muttered. “Damn it, he beat me to it!” 

Quelle laughed gently. “Come on Eddie, it’s fine…” 

Eddie shrugged. “Fine...fine...whatever.” 

He and Quelle headed around their barricade to meet Joker and Harley halfway. “So, what’s this truce going to entail?” 

Joker shrugged with a glanc at Harley. “I don’t know...you take that crappy riddle stuff with you and we’ll take the joke stuff and everyone goes home?” 

Eddie frowned, narrowing his eyes at Joker. “Seriously? That’s it?” 

“Harley just offered to let me tie her naked to the bed, so unless you have a better offer, then yes, that’s it.” Joker grinned. 

Eddie blushed with a small shake of his head, but he put his hand out to Joker. “Truce.” 

Joker reached for Eddie’s hand, just about to take the other man’s hand when they all heard the loud sound of something shattering--several somethings shattering. 

Joker hissed. “What the hell?” 

Everyone in the room turned toward the entrance to the exhibit just as a large bald man came strolling in, surrounded by six other men. All of them were dressed in black and carrying duffle bags and bats. 

Joker smiled wide. “Oh, I think this just became even more fun!” 

Riddler frowned, looking disgusted. “Common criminals…” 

* 

Lying on the floor, Batman could feel the tingle of feeling coming back to his fingers when he heard the crash too. He couldn’t move, all he could see was Joker and Eddie’s reaction. Clearly the crash had nothing to do with either of them. 

That meant there was a third player. 

Well, shit, Batman thought with a frown. 

* 

Bootface walked boldly into the gallery and stopped dead when he saw the two groups of people in the room, the piled up artwork, and two men lying on the floor. He kept staring at the group of people in front of him, his brow furrowed over his ugly face as he tried to process who and what he was seeing because something really looked familiar about them, especially the man with the green hair and the guy lying on the ground. 

It took him several seconds to finally realize why these people looked so familiar. 

“You’re the fucking Joker!” He pointed at Joker, then frowned at Eddie, clearly having trouble figuring out who he was until Eddie groaned loudly. “Save me from imbeciles! Riddler, I’m the Riddler!” 

“Yeah, yeah I heard of you…” Bootface grinned then looked at the two people on the floor, his eyes brightening. “That’s fucking Batman and Robin! Are they dead?” 

“Nah, I just paralyzed them.” Joker’s lips twisted into a grin before he frowned a little. “And who are you?” 

The man puffed his chest out. “I’m Bootface.” 

Joker stared at him then glanced over at Riddler whose eyes had opened wide enough that his green irises were surrounded by near circles of white. Next to Eddie, Quelle put her hand to her mouth, clearly trying to stifle a giggle. 

Joker turned to look at Harley and hissed in a loud whisper. “Did he just say Bootface?” 

Harley nodded. “He did.” 

Harley pressed her lips together trying her best not to laugh before she asked. 

“Why are you called Bootface?” 

She glanced at Joker. It was pretty obvious why, but she had to hear the story. The look on Joker’s face, tight with barely concealed laughter said he wanted this answer too. 

Bootface stepped closer to Batman, kicked the Bat hard in the back, hard enough that Joker went from looking amused to angry. 

“Because this asshole kicked me so hard in the face that it left a scar. But, I decided to use the name because it’s scary. “ Bootface sneered. “Sounds tough because I survived a fight with Batman!” Bootface grinned broadly. “Since he scarred me, I’m clearly his nemesis!” Bootface gave Batman another kick. 

(Batman winced at the impact, but he could feel his hands now.) 

Joker couldn’t stop himself from snickering, but the sound was cold, not humorous as he glanced down at Batman who met his eyes for a moment before Joker focused his attention back on Bootface. 

“You know Bootie, everybody survives a fight with Batman…” Joker made the name sound even stupider, curling his lips when he said ‘Bootie.’ “...you know, since he doesn’t kill...it’s sorta…” 

Joker shrugged, throwing his hands up. “...his thing you know? No killing? Sorta what Batman is known for…or did you somehow think you were special? And I hate to tell you this Bootie, but I’m Batman’s nemesis.” 

Riddler frowned. “Hey, so am I!” 

Joker shrugged. “Okay, yeah, I guess you are too. Like a nemesis junior. Mm...where does that leave you Bootie?” 

Bootface’s face turned slightly red. 

Riddler ignored Joker’s jibe at him and grinned. “I would quote a riddle here, but I don’t think it would be fair against someone clearly unburdened by an intelligent mind.” 

Joker laughed. “True, true...So Bootie…” Joker snickered. 

“Stop calling me Bootie!” Bootface snarled. “It’s BOOTFACE.” 

Joker shrugged. “So tell me Bootie, what was your first choice? RoadKill? Bootlicker? Toejam? Hangnail? FootFetish? I mean, there are so many foot-related names, how did you ever narrow it down?” Joker shook his head. “It must have been a nearly insurmountable task for someone with your lack of mental acuity.” 

Bootface snarled, glaring at Joker. “Are you making fun of me?” 

Joker gasped loudly and pressed the fingertips of one hand to his chest. “Would I, the Joker, make fun of you? The terrifying Bootie Bootface? Never.” He snickered. “I guess Batman must really hate you. I’ve fought him lots of times, yet I don’t have a boot scar...or do you have one of those mushy faces? LIke playdoh? Oh now there’s a good name, Play Doh Face!!” 

Harley giggled. “You know puddin, I bet I know what happened!” 

Joker turned to Harley and smiled. “Do tell sweets!” 

Harley grinned at Bootface before she said with a giggle. “I bet he made fun of the nipple suit.” 

Joker gasped loudly, pointing at her while Riddler gawked behind them. 

“That had to be it sweets!!” Joker turned back to Bootface. “That was a really dark time for Batsy.” Joker shook his head glancing over at Batman, a smile playing across his lps. “He was very sensitive about that suit. Though it did make his ass look great.” 

Harley playfully smacked Joker on the shoulder. “Puddin!! Don’t be looking at Batsy’s ass!” 

“Who could help it in that suit?? I don’t anymore, of course. Yours is the only ass I like.” He winked at her before he tapped his chin. “Though, I think Nightwing took over the best Batass category. Have you seen that suit he wears? NO, wait, don’t answer that--I don’t want to know!” Joker put his hands over his ears. 

Harley only giggled in response. 

Bootface yelled like a petulant child, stamping his foot, his hands held in fists by his sides. “That’s enough!! You’re all making fun of me!!” 

Joker glanced at Riddler with a wide smile. “Well maybe he isn’t that stupid after all because we clearly are making fun of him and he can glean that from our words.” 

Ridder laughed, but turned his attention to Bootface. “So why is someone like you here anyway? You clearly are not an art lover. You seem more of a…” He shrugged. “I don’t know...mugger type.” Riddler frowned as he thought about the sounds they had heard. “Were you and your men destroying priceless pieces of art?” 

Bootface growled, but then smiled proudly. “The museum doesn't have that many guards, figured it was an easy hit. Some of this shit grabs a good price on the blackmarket...figured if we destroy the rest, it makes the shit we can steal more expensive.” 

Riddler gasped. “Philistine!” 

(Batman wanted to point out that they had built “forts” out of artwork, which was not good for the art...but he still couldn’t move or talk, though he was sure he could feel his feet now.) 

Joker narrowed his eyes. “So you and your gang of semen stains just thought you would come in here and commit the same crime as the two of us?” Joker pointed between himself and Riddler. 

“Except you were going to add petty vandalism to it...I mean...you’re not even doing anything clever like...painting on the paintings or giving the sculptures green hair...or...or anything interesting at all! You’re just breaking shit!” Joker threw his hands in the air and shook his head. “I swear, the younger criminals just don’t have any flair at all.” 

Bootface hissed. “You know what, I’m sick of this shit!” He turned to his men. “Kill them and we’re taking Batman and his little sidekick!” He grinned. “Gonna let Batman know what it feels like to carry his boot scar in prison.” 

Joker narrowed his eyes. “Batman is my nemesis darling. If anyone is taking him anywhere, it’s me and Harley. Besides ToeJam...we outnumber you...what do you think is going to happen?” 

Bootface sneered. “Bunch of pansy ass clowns and some fucks in bowler hats are no match against real men.” Bootface pulled a big knife out. “I’m going to cut off that freak face of yours and then I’m gonna take both the women. Me and my men deserve a little fun, we’ll ride them all night before we cut their throats.” 

Riddler hissed in shock, his forehead creasing in a scowl. “What?” 

Joker growled. “No one touches Harley, no one.” 

Harley pulled her knife out. “I’m gonna cut his nose off.” 

Joker smiled at his wife, grabbing Harley around the waist and kissed her cheek. “Oh I always love it when you sound so vicious!” 

Harley giggled cupping his face and giving him a full, passionate kiss. Joker growled happily turning to wrap his arms around her, pulling her against his body. 

Riddler groaned adjusting his hold on his cane. “Can you two stop for a minute? These men kinda want to kill us.” 

Joker rubbed his nose against Harley’s, gazing lovingly into her pale blue eyes. “Yeah, yeah Eddie…” 

Joker purred. “I’m fucking you later Harls.” 

Harley giggled. “Goodie!” 

The five men along with Bootface rushed toward Joker and Riddler. 

Joker glanced at Riddler. “So, want to play with them for a little bit…” 

Riddler smiled, pulling out a plastic mask from inside his jacket and placing it firmly over his nose and mouth while Quelle did the same turning to motion at their people to do the same too. 

Frost and Bob knew exactly what was coming as well and quickly had their gang members put on the gas masks they were instructed to bring by Frost. 

Riddler grinned from behind his clear plastic mask. “Do you want the joke to be drawn out or get to the punchline?” 

Joker grinned. “I do enjoy a good punchline.” 

Joker flung his coat back and pulled out two grenades while Quelle tossed Riddler two of their electroshock grenades. 

Harley giggled, glancing at Quelle with amusement. 

Both men tossed their grenades at the same time, the little objects hitting the floor in front of Bootface and his men, going off the moment they impacted with the marble floor. 

* 

Batman watched from where he lay on the floor, thankful that he was able to move one of his arms, bringing his hand up quickly enough to activate the gas mask part of his cowl at the last second. He could only hope that Robin was able to do the same as the museum exhibit hall rapidly filled with neon green gas. He could see the shadows of Bootface’s men, and hear their cries, which quickly turned into pained laughter as Bootface’s men were consumed by Joker’s laughing gas, their shadows highlighted by electric shocks, electricity arcing through the clouds of green gas as Riddler’s electroshock grenades seemed to be enhanced by Joker’s gas. Batman watched from his prone position as the men danced, electricity arcing all over their bodies, their painful laughter filling the hall. 

Batman was able to push himself up since the paralyzing toxin was wearing off quicker now. He hurried over to Robin, thankful to see that the young man had been able to don his own gas mask. The young man was still moving stiffly, but he was moving. 

“Batman?” Robin asked and Batman nodded. 

“I’m all right, can you stand?” 

Robin nodded. “I think so.” 

“We need to clear this gas before it kills those men and Riddler and Joker get away.” 

Batman pulled out a flare and activated it, hurrying over to stand under one of several sprinklers in the ceiling. He held the bright orange flare as close to the sprinkler as he could and within seconds the sprinkler reacted. Water began to rain down from the numerous sprinklers. He hated to think what paintings were being ruined, but he had lives to save...he hoped. 

But, as the smoke cleared, Batman saw that he was too late. 

Bootface and all of his men lay on the marble floor of the museum, each one dead, with a wide smile on their now pale faces, along with several black scorch marks burned into their skin and clothing. 

“Damn it,” Batman hissed. 

* 

Joker laughed pulling Harley onto his lap as Frost, with Bob sitting next to him, earplugs in, drove them away. Next to Joker and Harley, Riddler sat with Quelle who was practically on his lap. 

The car’s back seat wasn’t meant to hold four people. 

Joker was laughing as he nuzzled Harley’s throat. The two clowns were clearly aroused, anyone with eyes could see that by the way they were clawing at one another. It made Eddie very uncomfortable, especially with Quelle squished up against him. He wasn’t sure why he had never noticed how soft she was or how good she smelled. He swallowed and shifted nervously as his body reacted to the clowns pawing at one another and Quelle’s perfume. 

“I don’t know why we had to ride with them,” Riddler muttered at Quelle while he tried to push his own arousal to the back of his mind by being his usual grumpy self. Quelle smiled and reached up to stroke some of his auburn hair behind his ears as she answered softly. 

“You saw Batman’s car. He was right next to our vehicle and he had put a boot on it. What else could we do? Walk?” 

Riddler frowned glancing over at Joker and Harley, his cheeks starting to turn red. 

“Maybe we should have…” 

* 

Joker and Harley had completely forgotten about Riddler and Quelle the moment they had thrown themselves into the car, laughing. Watching Bootface and his friends being electrocuted at the same time that his laughing gas was causing them to laugh themselves to death had been hilarious. Joker wished he had been able to record the incident! It was funny enough he would have sent it to one of those YouTube channels like Fail Army. 

He grinned and growled softly as he reached up to caress Harley’s face. “I’m sorry you didn’t get to cut his nose off sweets.” He sighed a little regretfully. “And we didn’t get your mask or the costume.” 

Harley straddled his lap, her fingers brushing the small hairs at the back of his neck while grinding herself gently against him. She's smiled, feeling his responding erection between her legs. 

“It’s okay puddin. I don’t need a harlequin mask, I just need you,” she purred before adding with a shrug. “After the gas he wouldn’t have appreciated my enhancement to his looks anyway.” 

She pouted slightly. “Though he would have had to change this name to No-nose Bootface, that would have been funny.” 

Joker laughed reaching down to start unlacing her corset. “Oh the poor man. The other kids in prison would have teased him so much. It’s probably better that he’s dead.” Joker loosened her corset, running his fingers along the top of her breasts. “Why is it that killing nuisances like that with you always makes me so horny?” He lifted a green brow at her, an amused grin on his pale face. 

“Something about killing people with you at my side always makes the blood go right to my crotch.” He giggled at her wrinkling his nose playfully. 

Harley giggled as well, brushing her nose along his, her lips hovering over his bright red smile as she pulled his tie free and quickly unbuttoned several of his shirt buttons so she could caress his pale chest. She made a soft little growl in the back of her throat when she touched his bare skin. Joker bit his bottom lip. He loved the little sounds she made, as they only fueled his arousal. 

“Killing anyone makes you horny puddin,” she whispered, her voice lust-filled. “But I do love the results.” She waggled her eyebrows at him, which only made him chuckle. 

“True, but only when I’m with you,” he purred again, yanking her corset open. 

Harley let out a soft moan. Joker covered her mouth with a kiss, yanking her to him. 

Joker growled against her lips. “You need to get those pants off. You should never wear pants, you know that sweets? Terribly inconvenient.” He pouted slightly. “Very frustrating for a man like me who doesn’t like to wait to be with his wife.” 

Harley giggled reaching down to unzip his slacks. “I’m sorry puddin, never again I promise.” She licked his chin. “I know you don’t like waiting.” 

“Good.” He smiled then groaned as her hand pulled his erection free. She stroked him gently, her fingers soft and warm, reaching down further to caress him. “Oh Harley…” He groaned leaning back against the seat, his hands resting on her hips. 

She twisted around a bit, reaching down to unzip her boots, her limbert body allowing her to twist and turn in the small space with little difficulty. She tossed her boots aside (Riddler yelped and Quelle ducked as Harley’s boots were tossed. Riddler turned around to look out the window as Harley performed a movement a contortionist would have envied and her pants were soon tossed aside as well. Riddler hissed. “Did they forget we were here?” 

Quelle blushed. “I think they forgot all about us.” 

Riddler muttered. “An orgy could have broken out and those two wouldn’t notice.” Quelle giggled. 

Joker grinned once Harley was mostly naked. The only clothing she still had on was her jacket and her open corset. Joker yanked her down on him, sliding into her with a groan of pleasure. 

Harley moaned her own pleasure at feeling him slide into her. She grasped his shoulders, arching her back to press down on him as far as she could, her head falling back to bump Frost’s seat. (Frost just focused on driving, glancing sideways at Bob who had his earphones in--as usual in this situation. Frost could hear a little bit of the music playing. Bob was listening to Britney Spears.) 

Harley groaned, rocking her hips, coming back forward to wrap her arms around Joker's shoulders. She pulled his head down against her breasts, her lips pressed to his green hair as she moaned. 

“Puddin...mm...my puddin.” 

Joker closed his eyes, his nose and lips buried against her cleavage while Harley rocked against him, grinding herself down on him until he was hissing with pleasure. 

“My pumpkin pie,” Joker groaned, his hands sliding down to cup her rear, arching his back against the seat, and looking up into her gorgeous blue eyes. 

Harley caressed his hair, her fingers gentle while she bounced up and down a little until she cried out. He reached up and grabbed the back of her head, his fingers in her hair pulling her down to swallow her orgasmic cry with his tongue in her mouth, muffling his own cry as he came with her. 

* 

Riddler had made a startled yelp when Harley’s breasts were suddenly exposed, though Joker pulled her close to him hiding anything else, but he had still seen more than he wanted. When Harley’s shoes and pants came flying off, Riddler had nearly reached over and pulled open the car door, ready to throw himself onto the road rather than watch the two clowns go at each other. He had only ever seen one porno and that had been as a teenager, and he had been tricked into it as a joke; it just wasn’t his thing. 

He turned his attention to looking out the window, only to be distracted as Quelle moved to sit more securely on his lap. He started to ask her what she was doing, but as he turned he saw Harley and Joker… 

Clearly poor Quelle needed to put a little more space between her and them. He couldn't really blame her for that. 

Eddie grimaced, turning away to focus instead on Quelle. He found that having her on his lap was even more distracting than Joker and Harley fucking like animals in heat. He swallowed heavily. 

Her body was warm, she was soft, and this close, he noticed even more just how good she smelled. 

“Ah…” He started to say something, thinking that maybe conversation would distract him, but when Quelle turned to look fully at him, her rear pressing down on him...her breasts pressing against his chest when she turned..he suddenly couldn’t think straight. 

Eddie tried again. “Ah...uh…” 

Quelle smiled as her fingers caressed his hair and moved down to brush along his throat. Eddie stiffened, but he didn’t pull away from her. 

Quelle felt a little brazen. She had wanted Eddie for so long, and with Harley and Joker having sex right there next to them, her own juices were flowing. She wanted to tell him how she felt, wanted him to know finally that she wanted more than to be friends, more than to simply be boss and trusted right hand woman. This time she wasn’t going to use words, she was going to take Harley’s advice and show Eddie what she wanted, maybe not getting naked here in the car, but… 

This little impromptu fight with Joker--which now had forced them to share a car in close quarters--had given her the opportunity she didn’t know she needed. 

She could feel Eddie’s arousal. She hoped it was for her and not just an automatic reaction because of Harley and Joker fucking next to them. 

She leaned in close, her fingers caressing his jaw. “Have I told you how much I like you Eddie?” 

Eddie stared at her. “What?” 

Quelle looked at his mouth, then back to his eyes. “I like you, but not just as my boss…” 

Eddie was shaking. “Ah…” 

Quelle smiled and whispered. “You really are stupid sometimes.” 

She pulled him close and kissed him. 

Eddie’s eyes widened in shock when Quelle’s lips met his, followed by her tongue in his mouth. He went stiff then, slowly wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close as he returned her kiss with just as much passion as Quelle had given him. 

He really was a stupid man sometimes, he thought with a smile.


End file.
